Self-Discipline: I haz it not.

Goddamn Penelope Trunk. Most people know her, and sometimes hate her because she tweeted about her miscarriage in a meeting. Personally, I think good on her, in a fuck-the-establishment-kind-of-way; no, I'm mad at her cause she posted this.


If you're too lazy to click through and read, I'll summarise: the secret to happiness is self-discipline.


I only have one word --shit. Only because I know she's right, and only because I know that I have so little of it. Report cards from every year in grade school and high school sing the same song: lots of potential, not enough application. I've secretly known, or suspected this for years, but never acknowledged it. I could be happier if I just knuckled down and applied myself a bit more.

By now, I should know really, I'm ten years into my teaching career and I've stopped believing in gifted children and potential. The hard reality is that most of the time the kids who stick-to-it and persevere, despite setbacks, are very likely be successful in the long run. If you are lucky enough to have brains and perseverance --well, you are set in life.

Procrastination is pre-cancerous cells to the malignancy that is anxiety and depression. I'll give you an example. Everyday, I've looked at the parking ticket on my desk. If I had paid that ticket 14 days after it had been plonked on my windscreen, I'd have saved myself 30 quid. I finally paid the ticket, after 35 days, but not after a good-old-internal-beat-yourself-up. And really, I should be writing my Christmas cards, but this has preying on my mind for a while. Will the Christmas cards get written? If you go by my track record, not bloody likely.

I've had self-discipline in spurts. In 2005, I quit smoking. I've become proficient enough at dancing to earn money teaching it and that is despite being the most dispraxic, uncoordinated person you'll ever meet.

So, this my goal for 2011. More self-discipline

Who do you want to be? Who do you think you are?

I'm active on several social networking sites and share my photos via flickr. I rely on them to keep in contact with friends. At work, they are constantly telling us to educate the kids about the dangers of the internet and social networking and how we should tell them not take to take everything they read or see for reality. People get brave behind a computer and it allows them to do things they'd never do in real life: be excessively nice, just be plain assholes, or be completely opinionated. Yet, I'm constantly seeing smart, intelligent adults getting sucked into somebody else's constructed reality. It's easy enough to do: I generally take people at face value. But the more I'm on these websites, the more I see how artificial our images are and how little we, as viewers, question it.

It's so very easy to create a persona on flickr or on any other social medium and to be honest, so very seductive. I posted a picture a while back, the picture above in fact and, up until last week, it was the most viewed picture in my stream. Some of my most viewed pictures are my self-portraits.

I'll be honest: at the best of times, I fight that "I'm ugly" feeling. So the attention is seducing and the admiration is addictive. I can choose exactly what I put up: i won't be putting up that unflattering pic of me with a double chin. Or the one where my pores look like caverns. Not only that, but I can photoshop myself to the nth degree: shave a cheek here; delete a wisp of hair there; smooth out my skin; and bring out the catch lights in my eyes. I'll pick the picture that is the most flattering --keeping  gappy teeth and gummy smile hidden-- and adjust it within an inch of it life.

The photo-shoppery? That's the subtle bit. I also choose what I write with it and that's what finishes off the persona. A couple of cool links and pop culture references and that's my image cemented. .It's nice to control how others see you and damn easy over the 'net. I can pick what i share about myself: i don't have to be insecure or boring.

There is something to be said to have an outlet where you can recreate yourself and escape, but at what cost? Posting self-portraits is never going to be a major past-time. I'm not that in-love with my mug and I mistrust adoration or people being over-complimentary. I'm constantly surprised at how many people get sucked into these things. I choose what I put up and hence I choose EXACTLY what you see. I control your image of me. That realisation frightens the hell out of me, but moreover, the realisation that i'm selling out a part of me frightens me more. That is what your young daughters' are doing on Bebo and Facebook. Testing out personas and ways of being..

Croick Church

Croick Church
Originally uploaded by Miss.Informed

Wicked Generation

Wicked Generation
Originally uploaded by Miss.Informed

So long 2008.

It wasn't the worst year I've ever had. Nor was it the best. In fact, for many people around it me it was downright awful. Unemployment, depression, loss. Forget the "Economy" (though that played a huge part in it), just living seemed to provide enough doom and gloom. There were however enough bright spots to rescue it from being the shittiest year ever.

I lost my Uncle Paul earlier in the year. He was a good man. He hadn't lived a perfect life and he'd be the first to admit it. A good chunk of his early adult life was spent being an asshole and drinking. But, he straightened up; joined A.A.. and never looked back. Some of the family had a hard time forgiving him; I wish that they knew that he never really forgave himself either and he spent the rest of his life trying to make up for it. I get the sense that he supported a great many people through battling their own addictions. In the end, he was funny and played a mean game of crokinole. I miss him greatly.

I was unemployed for the first time in my life this year. That might be the most humbling experience ever. I went to interview after interview where I was told I wasn't good enough. Having always had the good fortune of landing jobs quickly, I was at a loss. I was stuck waiting around for supply work that never came through. I sat through a lot phone calls with grouchy interviewers getting feedback.

Little did I know that the job market was quickly drying up in Scotland. Money was very tight. I got a job waitressing and I taught dance classes at Citymoves. I even did some screenplay editing. The one good thing about that experience is that it taught me that I can still feed myself even if I can't teach. Six months later, I finally have a permanent job: English at Meldrum Academy.

Flickr provided me with lots of opportunity to travel around Scotland this year. I am so grateful for the people and friends in the Scottish Meet-ups groups. A life goal was ticked off the list when Kieran, Pam and I went to St. Kilda. It was quite possibly the best holiday ever. I got to travel to Turkey and I fell in love with that country.

Even though I'm starting out the year as sick as a dog and bed-ridden, I'm grateful for everything thats happened this year. I hope for some others that 2009 brings better things. I can only hope that I can have the balance of good and bad I had this year.

Roll on 2009.

Strangers #5: Kesia and Konrad

Strangers #5: Kesia and Konrad
Originally uploaded by Miss.Informed

Kasia and Konrad are architects from Poland. They were very kind and let me take their picture for my project 100strangers. They have been living in Edinburgh for a couple of years. They are both from Kracow. We had a lovely conversation about architecture and design and the importance of beautiful buildings in cities. I was attracted to Kasia’s green hat (which hides very striking black hair) and their air of love and relaxation. I’ve been committed to taking photos in black and white, but there was something about the green hat.

(I wrote this from memory, several days later, instead of the copious notes that I usually scribble. I hope that i haven't made any mistakes)

Uploaded by Miss.Informed on 10 Nov 08, 4.33PM GMT

Strangers #4

Strangers #4
Originally uploaded by Miss.Informed

Things must have been a bit slow at the recruitment office. They both waved as I walked past, peering into the window.

These two fine young men are Sammy and James. They agreed to be #4 for my
100 strangers project. They offered me a career in the army, which I had to decline. I made the mistake of telling them I was a teacher and they regaled me with stories of how they used to make their teachers' lives miserable. Holy terrors apparently. One of them removed the armrest on the teachers chair and glued thumbtacks along the base. Charming.

James is 18 and has been in the Army for eighteen months. He works in reconnaissance. He told me, "The army has been the making of me." He waiting to be deployed to Afghanistan. Sammy, in the infantry, has been on two tours of duty: Iraq and Afghanistan and is waiting to be redeployed in a couple of months.

They were a good laugh, the pair of them. I was brought back to the seriousness of their work at the end. Sammy, the guy on the left, referred to James as "just a baby"

I laughed and shot back, " At 22, you're a fine one to talk."

"Yeah, well at the end of the day I know I am doing a man's job."

Indeed. I may quibble with the politics that sends our troops over. But I have enormous respect for the folk that choose to serve their country. Stay safe boys.

Uploaded by Miss.Informed on 19 Oct 08, 5.34PM GMT.